I have a dirty little secret. Two of them in fact, and I’ve decided to use this forum to come out of the closet. Why now you ask? I don’t want to wait until the eve of my Senate Confirmation Hearing to read about myself on some blog. I’m not at the point where I spend any time worrying about it, and I’m not losing any sleep over it, but I might as well get it off my chest. It would be easier if I was appointed to a position that didn’t require Senate confirmation. So Mr. President, if you’re reading this you now have a way to save us both a lot of mental anguish.
I’m not sure which one of these will be considered the most heinous, so I’ll just start with the one that came first in my life. I like to go out and sing Karaoke. There, I’ve said it. No more opportunities for blackmail. And you know what else? I know the words to most of the songs in the Disney movies. I used to say it was because of my 8 and 3 year old daughters, but now that I’ve started this open and honest dialogue, I’m letting it all hang out.
If my previous revelation caused you to search frantically for your nitroglycerin pills perhaps you should stop here. For all you other brave souls, here goes. If the Navy called up and said that they were looking for 49 year old retired disabled vets to return to active duty and go over to Iraq, I would ask if I could have a few weeks to put my personal and business affairs in order, or if I needed to show up that day.
Some of you might be wondering how I can bring myself to do or volunteer to do these things. The first is easy to explain. I sing for the sheer joy of singing. I sing all the time. In fact I had to pause for a few seconds so I could burst out in song. And every place I’ve been, the folks in the audience have exercised their Karaoke manners, clapping enthusiastically no matter how badly you sound.
The second will take a little more explaining. My going would have nothing to do with honor, glory, or the desire to kill other people. In fact if you want to know the truth, I’m anti-war. I have no desire to kill Iraqis or anyone else. And the only time I like to blow things up is on the 4th of July. But don’t confuse not wanting to fight with not having the will to be a weapon of mass destruction given the proper circumstances.
I would go because I feel I should go and do my part. I would go because we are at war and when you’re at war, you need your best people on the front lines. I would go because you need to bring your ‘A’ game to ensure as many people make it back as possible.
I’m not saying that those out there now aren’t getting it done, but even your studs need to throttle back from time to time. And when they do the ships needs to keep steaming along without any degradation of service.
I have shown over the years in different situations, with different crews, that when it comes to getting my guys to want to give their best effort everyday, I am one of the best at it. They begin to see as I do that the status quo is highly overrated and we should instead be trying to continuously improve. At that point we have become a well oiled machine and the others in the crew know that they can depend on us. We then become one less thing they have to worry about.
It wouldn’t even matter where they put me. There are no unimportant jobs, especially in war time. The Naval Aviator shouldn’t have to worry about whether the Postal Clerk got the letter he wrote to his Sweetheart out on the last plane. The Postal Clerk shouldn’t be thinking about whether there will be jet fuel in the Bug Juice (aka Kool-Aid) again. The Cooks making the Bug Juice shouldn’t have to worry about whether their paycheck is making it to the bank so their spouse can pay bills. And the Disbursing Clerks shouldn’t have to worry about whether the TV Studio is going to show their favorite Saturday morning cartoons. I could go on and on, but I’m sure you get my point.
Those whose job it is to actually go out and do the killing don’t need to be distracted by extraneous male bovine excrement. And the better we do at keeping them free of distractions, that many more of them will make it home. I would go because there is a job that needs to be done and I know I could do it.
Some of you will think I’m crazy. Some of you will think I’m arrogant and egotistical. Some of you will thank me. And some of you will know exactly what I’m talking about.
So now you know my dirty little secrets, a few of them at least. I am of course keeping some in reserve in case I feel the need to come clean again sometime in the future.